Things You Need To Know Before Attempting Long-Distance
A long distance relationship is like if you took a regular relationship and surrounded it with piranhas and set it on fire. It’s like if you took normal dating and then got horny magician David Blaine to suspend it in a plastic box and told it to survive on a sip of water and a bread crust a day. IT’S LIKE A BUNCH OF OTHER CRAZY SH*T. And yet people are still doing it. Because people are dumb and love makes us dumber. That’s the science.
If you’ve never had a long distance relationship yourself then you may be baffled by the whole ridiculous business. Which is fair enough. Logically it doesn’t make a whole heap of sense. But nothing does, especially not these days. Because it’s not the old sepia-toned history days. The purpose of being with someone is no longer simply to make children and then force them to help pick beetroots on the farm and care for you when you reach the ripe old age of 27. It’s 2009 now, you guys.
Dating is about compatibility and joy and liking all the same memes. Planes exist. Steve Jobs invented MySpaces so we can all send electronic mails across the globe. It’s easier than ever before to make a long distance relationship work. But even with all the technology doo-dads and what-have-yous, it’s still tricky as hell to navigate. Which is why I’ve very generously made you this delicious list of everything you need to know before even attempting a long distance relationship.
1. It’s Hard As Hell
It is. That much is obvious. I know it and you know it and horny celebrity magician David Blaine also knows it. And it won’t even be hard in a sexy way like it is in the movies. It’ll be hard in the tense and embarrassing and frustrating Real Life way where some days you just can’t remember why you’re doing it. It won’t be easy and will involve a lot of grit and determination and willingness to push through a lot of hard stuff. Have a real conversation with yourself about whether that’s something you can potentially do long term. And then ask yourself if you’d like a large milkshake. Then get one.
2. Everyone’s Going To Have An Opinion
Including me, which is why I wrote this whole article. But I’m allowed, because I’m the world’s most perfect angel. It’s other people you’re going to have to watch out for. People who just HAVE to tell you about their own relationship and their cousin’s relationship and this relationship they saw in a movie six years ago. And they’ll have all these very good and helpful and definitely not annoying comments like: “aren’t you worried that they’re cheating on you??” or “that’s SO far. No but it’s like SO far. It’s so far. It’s REALLY far. That’s far. Did you know how far it was?” And it’s like, thanks b*tch, I did know. Eat an egg and jog on.
3. Communication Is Vital
When you can physically see your partner, communication happens on several levels. There’s touch, there’s eyeball contact, there’s sharing experiences. You can both suck on a strand of spaghetti and meet in the middle. You can go to the aquarium together and feed hotdogs to the stingrays. You can be forcefully ejected from the aquarium together for poisoning the marine life with sausage meat. With long distance, you lose all of these vital opportunities for closeness, so you have to rely on language to share everything you want to share. So get used to that idea, and get practicing.
4. Without An End In Sight, It’s Almost Impossible
Unless you’re both perfectly happy not touching and only talking during tiny daily windows, then long distance can’t work indefinitely. At first you’ll feel invincible and untouchable in the relationship. The future just won’t seem to matter. It’s only later, when you’re both busy, and your lives seem out of sync, that it’ll start to feel very flipping vital that you lock down a date in the future where you won’t be surviving on patchy phone conversations and heart emojis.
5. You Have To Get Creative
You gotta Facetime. And Snapchat too. And do SMS text messaging. And send postcards. And videos. And tag one another in memes on Instagram. And watch the same TV show or movie together at exactly the same time. You have to do lots of stuff that says “you are my person. I have not forgotten you. You are very important and I’m right here even when I’m crazy far away.” Also try to send each other little gifts whenever you can. They don’t even have to be expensive. Some chocolates. A candle. A hat. 14 kilograms of fresh tuna. Whatever. If it’ll make them smile, then do it. It’s like my close personal friend (notoriously horny magician David Blaine) always says: “Why are you inside of my house? HOW did you get here?” And I think that’s just beautiful and really sums up what I’m saying here.
6. But You Also Need Your Own Life
Yeah, I knooooow what I just said. And I meant it. Definitely continue to do all of the nice things for each other that I suggested, but please also make sure you’re doing everything you need to do for yourself. You need to maintain a balance or emotionally you’ll just tip over like a toddler in a comically large hat. Because life can’t stop just because your boo moved across the country or abroad or out into space or whatever. You can’t rest every hope and dream on one person. It’s like that game Buckaroo where you have to stack all of those bags on the donkey. Eventually the donkey just gets sick of your shenanigans and chucks all the luggage off. That’s what happens when you make your far-away partner the centre of your world. Things get messy.
7. Quitting Isn’t Failing
It’s a f*cking hard thing to pull off. I might have mentioned before but who cares. IT’S HONESTLY SO HARD, YOU GUYS. And if you make it, that’s great, I’m happy for you, and I made you this delicious custard pudding. But if you don’t make it, then I’m sorry, it doesn’t make you a failure, and I made you these TWO custard puddings. Because long distance isn’t for everyone. Even the strongest couples find themselves disintegrating like a bag of powdered donuts in a vat of acid when forced to be apart for months at a time. It’s okay. It’s okay.